Now, don't take the title wrong. For those that are mothers, my mother and SIL included, it is an awesome way to commemorate my inability to do anything meaningful or expected. I tend to call my mother and on occasion, when I feel compelled to stop crying, will call SIL, and my cousins to wish them a Happy.
This year is just a little different. My Beast is progressing; I am turning 40; and I am not in a committed relationship. Just the turning 40 part makes me think twice (or more) about taking on the responsibility of raising a child alone. The Beast (if you missed the first post is Chronic Pancreatitis) would make a pregnancy fatal for me and/ or the unborn child. So I had made a decision early in the year to have my tubes tied. Therapy was required because I do not have any children and the doctor wanted to make sure that I knew the ramifications of such a decision. Plus, I didn't think I was handling the emotional part of it very well. I would cry at the drop of a hat over the most mundane of things. And don't even get me started on the medicaid momma's that are in their late teens and early 20's working on baby number 6 (insert vomiting noise here) - hey beats sounds from a shot gun ;-)
So 6 weeks of therapy, I had the surgery. I also added a hydrotherm ablation for good measure. 1 full day of recovery and I felt like a million bucks. I was able to stop the hormone therapy, and have since lost so much weight, my once skinny mom is jealous ( I have never been smaller than her and I am getting there). Mentally and emotionally, I have been doing FANTASTIC. I feel so much better in that respect (had a lot of female issues on top of everything else). Just when I start feeling like I could conquer the world, the epigastric pain starts again... with a vengeance. I try to self medicate, change my diet (clear liquids to borderline NPO) and nothing works. I go to one of the local ED and get treated like a total drug seeker. These are people that I see daily in my line of work. Do you really think that I want to be there? I mean honestly. Do you think I like showing my weaknesses? And if I was such a drug seeker, I have more than enough fantastic narcotics at home, but there are limits to what I am willing to take when I am home alone.
So a lecture about we aren't your primary doctors and you really need to get back to the clinic (3 month waiting list) you need to get into your team here in town and figure out a new treatment plan. That was the plan, but can we get me to feeling better now? (hello this is sunday afternoon, what do you want me to do? Vomit anything and everything I try to consume and be in such pain that I have all I can do to get myself dressed? umm ok.). So finally so frustrated with their lack of concern and compassion (jaded urban hospitals are like that), after a 2nd failed IV attempt on my dehydrated veins, I demand my discharge papers. I refuse to be subjected to clinical bias and not at least get me feeling better enough to function in life, if even for just a couple of days until I can get back to one of the doctors on my team.
Papers given, I storm out. Not saying another word to anyone. These are people that I deliver patients to and expect them to treat them with the utmost respect and compassion. How can I do that in good conscience when they treat one of their own with contempt?
The next day I am on the phone all day. Making all kinds of appts. I have been on the same meds, at the same dosages for almost 19months. I have the 1st appt with pain management. Well, we are going to increase your duragesic one level. If we have to increase one more than that, you will no longer be able to work on the road. Great. Just what I need to hear. (new goal, get back down to previous dose - not likely to happen, but you never know). 5 days later, GI doc (who still chides me about my knee and his nuts during the upper GI). He doesn't change the composition of the enzymes I take to digest my food, just increases the number of capsules I now take from 3 with every meal to 4-5 depending on what I am eating or drinking. And then he says it - nerve block and electro-stimulator. I believe it is called a cilliac block (if I am wrong, please let me know.) Quick links to some pages with info...
http://www.surgery.usc.edu/divisions/tumor/pancreasdiseases/web%20pages/PANCREATITIS/what%20is%20chronic%20pancreatit.html
http://www.surgery.usc.edu/divisions/tumor/pancreasdiseases/web%20pages/general/pain%20management.html
So, now I am scheduled to go to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville the beginning of June to address these options and to truly figure out how far it has progressed since my last endoscopic ultrasound. Which I am sure I will attend this visit alone, as usual. I am still trying to figure out how I am going to drive back the 4 hours with bad news on my mind. Didn't work too well last year the day after my birthday... ended up in GA. Poor Patrick (best friend at work), couldn't come up and "rescue" me cuz he was at work... on a 48. But the thought was there. He talked me through the turn around and getting me back to St. Augustine where I didn't have to worry.
Amazing how one major aspect of my life intermingles with another. And not always in a positive light.
So getting back to feeling fantastic and all that jazz. Since that visit to the ED 2 weeks ago, I have made my phone calls; seen my local doctors; changed a majority of my meds. I feel better, but definitely not like I did those 1st few days post-op. Now, enter Mother's Day stage left. I really was doing ok. I was jovial, and laughing. I put up a status on Facebook that said "To all of my women-type friends... I want to wish you all a Happy Mothers Day. Remember how fortunate you are to have such a precious gift. I love you all and I hope you have a great, relaxing day." I had some great comments, but the one that was my downfall for the day; the one that caused me to cry for the better part of the day, came from a friend of mine who has seen me go through more pain from repeatedly negative pregnancy tests, and pain of her own as I have yet to see her children; Michelle. "Thank you, Shannon! Means a lot and I know it's a tough one for you! Hope your day is relaxing! xxoo" That is it. That is all she wrote. And it was my undoing for the day.
Then add in the numerous blogs from those that I follow about their own mothers (like AD's - tear jerker for sure) and Medic999. I had a very emotional day.
I know that I am not the only one. Hell, just out of my friends, I can list about 10-20 people that are dealing with a similar issue as me. To that I can only say that there is one major difference. They are not alone.
On that note, I have a drs appt in 1 1/2 hours to suck more fluid off of my arthritic knee. I have to get out of here. I-4 traffic blows chunks.
Until later - scene safe, BSI
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment